Although
custody cases are (at least nominally) about the best interests of the children
involved, too many parent-litigants act in ways that are directly harmful to
their children. Often these parents are very needy people – and the needs
involved are not those of their kids.
Involving the children directly in
the dispute between their parents is not only harmful, but it is likely to
convince the decision-makers that the children are better off with the other
parent. Here are two ways parents help doom their efforts to obtain sole
custody or shared parenting of the children by inserting them into the dispute.
5. Make your child your messenger
Daddy is supposed to pick up Billy,
10, and Susie, 8, from Mommy's house at 5:00 in the afternoon on Friday for his
weekend parenting time. About 3:00 he gets a call from Billy: "Daddy,
Mommy says that we won't be home from Grandma's until late this evening, so you
should come get us at 10:00 tomorrow morning." When Daddy asks to speak
with Mommy, Billy tells him, "She says she can't come to the phone right
now." Daddy angrily says: "Tell her she will hear from my
lawyer," and ends the call.
This scenario is far from uncommon,
and demonstrates about as poor parenting from both Mommy and Daddy as they can
possibly muster. By using Billy as a communication conduit, they have placed
him directly in the middle and probably made him feel responsible for the anger
expressed in the conversation.
Parents who are unwilling to
communicate directly with one another use their children as messengers to
convey all types of information and animosity. Parenting is all about sharing
information and decision-making. Children are the most improper conduit for the
necessary communication.
6. Make your child your ally
Daddy is spending his parenting time
with Billy and Susie, when he gets a text message from Mommy. After reading it,
he tells the kids: "Your mother is being her usual mean self. She says
that we can't go on the vacation we have planned for Disney World because she
doesn't want us to have any fun together."
By sharing his anger and the dispute
between him and their mother, he is explicitly telling Billy and Susie that
their Mommy is bad and that they should feel sorry for him and themselves
because of her. But children love both their parents, as they should, and
understand that Mommy and Daddy are both part of them. Daddy is, in effect,
telling them that someone they love is bad and that they, themselves, are
half-bad, as well.
Parenting issues are between
parents. All the research shows that children do best in divorce situations
when they are insulated from parental disputes. Parents who thrust their
children into their issues and problems are, in a real sense, abusing those
children.
