Kittens in the Courthouse

             Some 25 years ago, when I was on the bench, Donna and I discovered that a little black cat had delivered kittens in our back yard. We called her "Mommy" and watched the kittens grow. Then, suddenly, one day, they were gone. We figured that a dog or something had got to them. Mommy, however, was still around.

            A couple of months later, we determined that Mommy was again pregnant. But, this time, we decided to bring her into the house to have her kittens. Shortly, she produced five precious little balls of fur.

            Donna and I became cat people very soon after we were married. When we returned from our honeymoon we moved into our apartment in Buckeye Village, OSU's married student housing, and began our Fall Quarter classes. Walking back to the apartments after that season's (1965) first home football game, we discovered a young cat in a field across Olentangy River Road. We picked her up, took her home, and named her Sooty.

            Since that day, we have always had at least one cat. Today we share our home with Willie and Tybee. Willie marched into the house one day and decided to stay just as I unlocked and opened the front door. I have no idea where he came from. Tybee was a tiny kitten, fostered with his litter mates by our son Adam and daughter-in-law Sandy until he was old enough to come home.

            We have a soft spot for cats.

            After Mommy had her kittens, we had her spayed, changed her name to Mimi, and she became part of our family for many years. But, what were we to do with the five kittens?

            One morning, when the kittens were about six weeks old, I put them in a cardboard box and carried them to the Courthouse with me. I figured that, cute as they were, I would have no problem finding them good homes with my co-workers in Domestic Relations Court. I was right. The kittens became the prime attraction on the sixth floor that day, and, by the time 5 o'clock rolled around, all five had been claimed and were on their way to their new forever homes.

            I got regular reports on the kittens from their new families over the years. All of them were loved and several produced offspring of their own. In fact, one of the cat adopters told me that the kitten I had assured her was a male had given birth to a litter of seven kittens!

            I know there are "dog people" and "cat people" and sometimes they don't see eye-to-eye. But I can't imagine a home without an animal that cares about us. I think about Sooty and how she introduced us to the joys of cat ownership. I view each of our long line of cats as gifts of love that made our lives a little more livable.

Ten Ways to Lose Your Custody Case – Part 4

            A parent involved in a custody dispute may well feel moved to punish his or her spouse for any number of real or imagined transgressions. Unfortunately, the weaponry involved in the punishment may well impact the children and heavily influence the determination by the court concerning the allocation of parental rights and responsibilities. Numbers 7 and 8 on our list involve just that sort of vindictive behavior.

7.         Don't meet your financial obligations

            Financial obligations related to children, as every parent knows, are both multiple and varied. When a divorce is in process, those obligations are usually assigned to one or both parents as part of the "temporary orders" process. The obligations can include the payment of a monthly sum of temporary child support, daycare expenses, medical costs, school fees and expenses – the list goes on and on. Obligations can also include servicing the family debt and the payment of temporary spousal support.

            P. G. Wodehouse, the English humorist, compared paying money to an estranged spouse to "feeding hay to a dead horse." Far too many divorcing parents share this point of view, even when the financial obligations directly or indirectly impact the children they claim to love so much. Many lawyers have heard their client's lament, "I know she (or he) is not spending all that money on the kids. Why should I have to pay?"

            There are a couple of answers to that question. The first is easy: The court ordered you to pay and not complying is contempt and could land you in trouble. The second, however, is more poignant. You claim to love your children and to look out for their best interests. That claim is unsustainable when you are not doing your part to provide them with the financial support they need and deserve.

8.         Interfere with the other parent's parenting time

           

.           In all but the most unusual cases, those involving abuse or neglect, both parents are allocated time to spend with their children. This parenting time is viewed not only as the right of the parent, but of the child, as well. Temporary orders in divorce cases spell out the time each parent is to enjoy with the child.

            Interference with parenting time can be a two-way street. A parent may refuse to permit the other to have the children during his or her scheduled time, often making flimsy excuses, or simply declaring that the other parent can't have the children due to some act that has angered the denying parent. The opposite pole is the parent who does not take advantage or his or her parenting time, imposing upon the other as an involuntary baby sitter. A client recently reported to us that her former husband, when confronted about not taking the children and thereby increasing the mother's daycare costs, told her that "watching the kids is what I pay you child support for!"

            The bottom line here is that the court will carefully scrutinize how obligations and rights related to the children are fulfilled and enjoyed by the parents. If you want to lose your custody case, not meeting financial obligations and interfering with parenting time are sure paths to that result.

Ten Ways to Lose Your Custody Case – Part 3

            Although custody cases are (at least nominally) about the best interests of the children involved, too many parent-litigants act in ways that are directly harmful to their children. Often these parents are very needy people – and the needs involved are not those of their kids.

            Involving the children directly in the dispute between their parents is not only harmful, but it is likely to convince the decision-makers that the children are better off with the other parent. Here are two ways parents help doom their efforts to obtain sole custody or shared parenting of the children by inserting them into the dispute.

5.         Make your child your messenger

            Daddy is supposed to pick up Billy, 10, and Susie, 8, from Mommy's house at 5:00 in the afternoon on Friday for his weekend parenting time. About 3:00 he gets a call from Billy: "Daddy, Mommy says that we won't be home from Grandma's until late this evening, so you should come get us at 10:00 tomorrow morning." When Daddy asks to speak with Mommy, Billy tells him, "She says she can't come to the phone right now." Daddy angrily says: "Tell her she will hear from my lawyer," and ends the call.

            This scenario is far from uncommon, and demonstrates about as poor parenting from both Mommy and Daddy as they can possibly muster. By using Billy as a communication conduit, they have placed him directly in the middle and probably made him feel responsible for the anger expressed in the conversation.

            Parents who are unwilling to communicate directly with one another use their children as messengers to convey all types of information and animosity. Parenting is all about sharing information and decision-making. Children are the most improper conduit for the necessary communication.

6.         Make your child your ally

            Daddy is spending his parenting time with Billy and Susie, when he gets a text message from Mommy. After reading it, he tells the kids: "Your mother is being her usual mean self. She says that we can't go on the vacation we have planned for Disney World because she doesn't want us to have any fun together."

            By sharing his anger and the dispute between him and their mother, he is explicitly telling Billy and Susie that their Mommy is bad and that they should feel sorry for him and themselves because of her. But children love both their parents, as they should, and understand that Mommy and Daddy are both part of them. Daddy is, in effect, telling them that someone they love is bad and that they, themselves, are half-bad, as well.

            Parenting issues are between parents. All the research shows that children do best in divorce situations when they are insulated from parental disputes. Parents who thrust their children into their issues and problems are, in a real sense, abusing those children.     

Administrative Assistants' Day

            I am taking a break from examining ways to lose a custody case in order to discuss Administrative Assistants' Day, which is tomorrow, April 23, 2014. I recall this special day used to be called "Secretaries' Day," but that term has become enveloped in a certain political incorrectness for its failure to recognize the scope of the duties undertaken by those to be honored tomorrow.

            I really never have had a true "secretary" – primarily because I haven't needed the traditional services rendered by one so described. Even though I entered the practice long before computers, I was somewhat of an aberration as a lawyer. I never dictated anything; I did my own typing for the most part.

             I learned to type during the summer between my 9^th and 10^th grade years when my father insisted I take a summer school class entitled "Personal Typing for Boys."

            Along with all the papers I brought home at the end of the 1958-59 school year was a flyer about the typing class, which would be limited to boys and taught every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at 9:00 for six weeks. Although I was far from enthusiastic about this "opportunity," I couldn't overcome my father's argument that there were three reasons I should take the course.

"First of all," he said, "you intend to go to college and your grades will be better if you type your papers. Second, if you go into a business or profession and your secretary (there's that word) is off, you may need to type your own work. But most important, if you ever get drafted and the army finds out you can type, you will be in an office far from any battles." Who could argue with that?

            I have had a number of true assistants in my work life. When I was Editor-in-Chief of the Ohio State Law Journal, I gained so much from the wonderful woman who served as the keeper of the collective memory of "how it was done." At Capital Law School, it was scheduling student appointments and setting up meetings that required help. At the Courthouse, Sarah and Harriet kept me on task and ran my courtroom. When I first returned to practice, my wife Donna (who is a Certified Legal Assistant) was instrumental in getting the practice up and running.

            But the best, ever, is our current legal assistant, Liz Wood. As we point out to her, she runs this place. If she ever leaves, my retirement will promptly follow. Liz is very smart. She anticipates what needs to be done and does it – flawlessly. She is the only paralegal in an office with three lawyers, and she is always one step ahead. She makes sure I know what tasks must be done and pesters me if I get behind. She is masterful in the way she deals with clients. Her sense of humor is amazing. And she can be just mean enough!

            So, Liz, happy Administrative Assistants' Day. We are sure glad to have you!

Ten Ways to Lose Your Custody Case – Part 2

            It never fails to amaze me when a litigant in a custody dispute clearly identifies all the significant players in the case, the people with the power to influence and make the decisions that will determine the outcome of the dispute, and then proceeds to alienate each and every one of those people.

            Here are two techniques that are employed, generally ending in disaster.

3.         Make an enemy of the Guardian ad Litem

            In most custody cases, the court will appoint a lawyer (or, sometimes, a social worker) to act as the Guardian ad Litem. The GAL's job is to represent the best interests of the children involved in the dispute. Meetings with the parents and the children, home visits, inquiring of persons who have relevant information (teachers, medical providers, counselors, etc.), and generally doing what is necessary to provide the relevant materials to the court, are tasks assigned to the GAL.

            Unfortunately, some litigants believe that the GAL in their case should become a cheerleader for that parent's position, or, at least, should clearly see the evil inherent in the other side. When that doesn't happen, when the GAL takes an appropriately neutral approach, the reaction of the parent can become destructive. Arguments and insults hurled at a GAL are not likely to favorably influence the opinion of this very significant person. Facebook posts about how incompetently the GAL is doing the job don't help much either.

            I once served as Guardian ad Litem in a bitterly contested custody case involving a prominent Columbus family. The mother of the three girls involved determined early on that I was not totally committed to seeing that her goals concerning the proper outcome were accomplished. She undertook a vicious campaign to demonstrate that I was prejudiced against her, that I did not care about her daughters, by sending letters to several people that knew me, as well as to every news outlet in the city. Not really the best strategy available to her.

            Fortunately, my opinion that she was not the proper parent to care for the children was bolstered by the psychologists involved in the case and by the overwhelming evidence of her erratic and vicious behavior.

4.         Defy court orders

            Although a Guardian ad Litem can be very influential in the outcome of a custody case, obviously the judge and magistrate assigned to the case are much more so. After all, the ultimate goal of any litigation is to convince the judge that your position is the one which should prevail. To put it bluntly, you want the judge on your side.

            It therefore never failed to amaze me when custody litigants openly and repeatedly defied my orders in their case. Some went so far as to state in open court that they were not going to do as I ordered, because, as one memorable father told me, "You don't have a f****** clue what you are doing!" Even if I didn't have a clue, he probably would have been better off to keep his opinion to himself. At least he wouldn't have spent three days in jail for direct contempt!

            On another occasion, a custodial dad who had repeatedly refused to permit their son's mother to have her ordered parenting time, appeared before me on a contempt charge. I told him that if his son did not get to spend the ordered time with his mother during the coming weekend, I would have to find the father in contempt and punish him. He said, "Go ahead and put me in jail. I don't care. You can't make me do anything." I accepted his invitation and sent him off to the custody of the county sheriff.

            A half hour later, his lawyer came to see me. He told me that his client was crying hysterically and desperately wanted out of jail. Mom got her visitation and, eventually, was awarded sole custody of the child.